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I get it now
Mar. 19th, 2008 02:56 pmI used to be a bit puzzled by people that get depressed about their birthdays. I'm not anymore.
State of mind
Feb. 14th, 2008 02:39 pmSince I whined at you (with the profanity filter off) I suppose I should let you know that the day is brighter now (even if it is snowing again).
I still have major things I need to kick my butt into gear and get done but the little things (that always eat you in the end) have cleared up a bit.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hafoc came home at lunch yesterday and dug out the trickle charger (which is something I thought of after my fit but didn't think he had, and didn't ask about to be certain) and we set it up on the Jeep. Even that little bit of charge from 1:00 to 5:30 was enough and it started up nicely. I let it run a bit and then went off (with cellphone in hand, no need to tempt Coyote/Raven/any other "mischievous" forces) to fill the tank and did some errands that could be done after 6pm.
I always get twitchy when I don't have a means of getting away from the house on my own, that didn't help my mood the other day. If my anxiety dreams have any common theme it's that when I feel trapped by/incapable of dealing with anything my dreams involve the loss of the Jeep. Generally the loss thing varies between a nervous "forgot where I parked it" to a horrified "someone stole my car!!", but I digress.
One of the things I did that was rather silly, and fortunately cheap, was "treat" myself to a skein of yarn. Cheap, not very good yarn (from the way the knit purists talk, the Yarn of Satan) but the color is pretty and I've been attracted to it every time I pass the yarn section. I'm in the process of knitting another slouchy hat out of it now, it makes me happy. :) The color knitted up is a bit odd, the skein seemed more blues and purples but the hat is making me think of Easter candy, though a bit darker and desaturated.
And I need to get pictures of the other hat one of these weekends if the weather andhafoc will cooperate.
Getting back to the point, the Jeep started up fine today and I let it run for a while to charge the battery. Then, since it was warm, I tackled that back driver side running light. I don't think the bulb had ever been changed. I needed to use pliers to get the rubber plug to turn so I could pull the bulb out and get the new one in and I'm not sure the plug is securely back in place. I don't think it will managed to work itself out though, and even if it did it couldn't get far.
So, in brief:
Jeep runs - yay!
Tail light fixed - yay!
I can has pretty hat soon! ♥
Snowing again - *thhpppppt!*
I still have major things I need to kick my butt into gear and get done but the little things (that always eat you in the end) have cleared up a bit.
hafoc came home at lunch yesterday and dug out the trickle charger (which is something I thought of after my fit but didn't think he had, and didn't ask about to be certain) and we set it up on the Jeep. Even that little bit of charge from 1:00 to 5:30 was enough and it started up nicely. I let it run a bit and then went off (with cellphone in hand, no need to tempt Coyote/Raven/any other "mischievous" forces) to fill the tank and did some errands that could be done after 6pm.I always get twitchy when I don't have a means of getting away from the house on my own, that didn't help my mood the other day. If my anxiety dreams have any common theme it's that when I feel trapped by/incapable of dealing with anything my dreams involve the loss of the Jeep. Generally the loss thing varies between a nervous "forgot where I parked it" to a horrified "someone stole my car!!", but I digress.
One of the things I did that was rather silly, and fortunately cheap, was "treat" myself to a skein of yarn. Cheap, not very good yarn (from the way the knit purists talk, the Yarn of Satan) but the color is pretty and I've been attracted to it every time I pass the yarn section. I'm in the process of knitting another slouchy hat out of it now, it makes me happy. :) The color knitted up is a bit odd, the skein seemed more blues and purples but the hat is making me think of Easter candy, though a bit darker and desaturated.
And I need to get pictures of the other hat one of these weekends if the weather and
hafoc will cooperate.Getting back to the point, the Jeep started up fine today and I let it run for a while to charge the battery. Then, since it was warm, I tackled that back driver side running light. I don't think the bulb had ever been changed. I needed to use pliers to get the rubber plug to turn so I could pull the bulb out and get the new one in and I'm not sure the plug is securely back in place. I don't think it will managed to work itself out though, and even if it did it couldn't get far.
So, in brief:
Jeep runs - yay!
Tail light fixed - yay!
I can has pretty hat soon! ♥
Snowing again - *thhpppppt!*
Icing on the cake (of suck)
Feb. 12th, 2008 05:41 pmThe first few months of the year are not good ones for me.
About a week into January the whole "oh shit, it's a new year" thing kicks in and I get hit with the realization of everything that I didn't get done the year before. Right about then I get hit with reminders of some reoccurring debts for things that should have made my life better but didn't. That gives me a week before FC to scrabble around and try to get that settled and prepare for the con.
FC itself is fun and makes me be social and talk with people outside of typing words at them, but it's also a bit of an emotional roller coaster as I listen to everything my friends have accomplished and know that I've done diddley squat myself. Even most of them that are bemoaning one thing or another are doing better, or at least as well, as myself.
I come home and get sick for at least a week after the con. This year it was just a cold, tired and congested but not "OMFG SHOOT ME" sick (my first flu shot ever might have helped on that front this year).
Then I lose a week as I try kicking the last of the cold, doing laundry, and who the fuck knows what else. I don't even know what the fuck I did last week. Other than realize I missed a bill that was due the week prior and swear a blue streak as I pay it and get all gut twisty thinking about where I'm going to get the cash for the late fee.
Which brings me to this week, where I finally realize I'm in another "deeper depressive" phase (since, as far as I can tell, I'm always depressed, I just fake it better at other times) and haul on the metaphorical bootstraps and force myself to get moving on things that need to be done.
So I cleared the snow off the Jeep yesterday and hoped for no snow overnight. Today, after hauling on those bootstraps far too hard for far too long, I managed to get the cans together for the can/bottle return and the plastic bags together for recycling and got them all in the Jeep in preparation for some errands getting done. Not all the errands, not even the ones I should do first, just the ones I know I could get myself to get done today.
So I go to start the Jeep so it can warm up while I scrape the ice off the wind shield... There are no words for the level of frustration and "it fucking figures" feelings I have at the moment. It's a stupid ass thing to be crying over.
The Jeep didn't start. It ran fine before the con but the three weeks since then with the cold weather has sapped that battery again. This happens pretty much every winter. If the battery doesn't revive after I get the Jeep jumped (fighting with the fucking security feature included) I should be able to get it replaced on warranty, again. Assuming I can remember where I put the receipt.
That was just the last straw. The icing on the cake of suck. I don't want to fucking deal with anything else today, but I have to because the only way that Jeep is going to run before Saturday is if I gethafoc to give it a jump when he gets home (as opposed to getting him to do it on Saturday). If he will with the Mustang, he might not. Otherwise I get to see if I remembered/could afford to renew my AAA membership and see if they can send a truck over to give me a jump tomorrow.
... And he's home and put the car in before I could grab him to ask about a jump. Fuck it.
About a week into January the whole "oh shit, it's a new year" thing kicks in and I get hit with the realization of everything that I didn't get done the year before. Right about then I get hit with reminders of some reoccurring debts for things that should have made my life better but didn't. That gives me a week before FC to scrabble around and try to get that settled and prepare for the con.
FC itself is fun and makes me be social and talk with people outside of typing words at them, but it's also a bit of an emotional roller coaster as I listen to everything my friends have accomplished and know that I've done diddley squat myself. Even most of them that are bemoaning one thing or another are doing better, or at least as well, as myself.
I come home and get sick for at least a week after the con. This year it was just a cold, tired and congested but not "OMFG SHOOT ME" sick (my first flu shot ever might have helped on that front this year).
Then I lose a week as I try kicking the last of the cold, doing laundry, and who the fuck knows what else. I don't even know what the fuck I did last week. Other than realize I missed a bill that was due the week prior and swear a blue streak as I pay it and get all gut twisty thinking about where I'm going to get the cash for the late fee.
Which brings me to this week, where I finally realize I'm in another "deeper depressive" phase (since, as far as I can tell, I'm always depressed, I just fake it better at other times) and haul on the metaphorical bootstraps and force myself to get moving on things that need to be done.
So I cleared the snow off the Jeep yesterday and hoped for no snow overnight. Today, after hauling on those bootstraps far too hard for far too long, I managed to get the cans together for the can/bottle return and the plastic bags together for recycling and got them all in the Jeep in preparation for some errands getting done. Not all the errands, not even the ones I should do first, just the ones I know I could get myself to get done today.
So I go to start the Jeep so it can warm up while I scrape the ice off the wind shield... There are no words for the level of frustration and "it fucking figures" feelings I have at the moment. It's a stupid ass thing to be crying over.
The Jeep didn't start. It ran fine before the con but the three weeks since then with the cold weather has sapped that battery again. This happens pretty much every winter. If the battery doesn't revive after I get the Jeep jumped (fighting with the fucking security feature included) I should be able to get it replaced on warranty, again. Assuming I can remember where I put the receipt.
That was just the last straw. The icing on the cake of suck. I don't want to fucking deal with anything else today, but I have to because the only way that Jeep is going to run before Saturday is if I get
hafoc to give it a jump when he gets home (as opposed to getting him to do it on Saturday). If he will with the Mustang, he might not. Otherwise I get to see if I remembered/could afford to renew my AAA membership and see if they can send a truck over to give me a jump tomorrow.... And he's home and put the car in before I could grab him to ask about a jump. Fuck it.
When it rains...
Aug. 5th, 2006 04:33 pmAs if I needed another hassle....
I just found out that my domain host will cease all services October 1st. This means I will have no host for tephras.com, no mail, no website.
I'm not in a good position to look for a hosting service, let alone afford one, so this was just the sort of news I did not need to get while sitting 1000 miles from home waiting for mom to have a cancerous mass removed from her breast.
So far I have had 1and1 recommended by my erstwhile host. I'm admittedly spoiled by him, I was free to install what I liked and was given a lot of permissions on his server, so the hosting services are all both foreign in design and rather restrictive in practice.
I most likely will not be maintaining my PSP related site, the bandwidth and storage is too great. I don't want to lose my domain since I'd like to avoid having to change email addresses (the very thought of hunting down every site and person to update that is shudder inducing) and it's paid until next July.
This is pretty much the last straw for today. I'm going off to have a cry, if I can do that without someone demanding my time and attention yet again.
I just found out that my domain host will cease all services October 1st. This means I will have no host for tephras.com, no mail, no website.
I'm not in a good position to look for a hosting service, let alone afford one, so this was just the sort of news I did not need to get while sitting 1000 miles from home waiting for mom to have a cancerous mass removed from her breast.
So far I have had 1and1 recommended by my erstwhile host. I'm admittedly spoiled by him, I was free to install what I liked and was given a lot of permissions on his server, so the hosting services are all both foreign in design and rather restrictive in practice.
I most likely will not be maintaining my PSP related site, the bandwidth and storage is too great. I don't want to lose my domain since I'd like to avoid having to change email addresses (the very thought of hunting down every site and person to update that is shudder inducing) and it's paid until next July.
This is pretty much the last straw for today. I'm going off to have a cry, if I can do that without someone demanding my time and attention yet again.
(no subject)
Aug. 1st, 2005 12:45 amSometimes the universe hates me.
I had one of those vaguely Victorian lamps by my bed, the sort with the marbleized glass shade and the beaded fringe. It sat on the corner of my desk, which is under a window. An open window with a very narrow (basically non-existent) sill. Something a bit too narrow for a cat to safely bug hunt in.
Yes, the cat knocked over the lamp, not for the first time. Unfortunately it was the first, and last, time it fell off toward the right. Falling to the right allowed the shade to hit the edge of the desk and break, any other direction and the base of the lamp would hit something else (which it what saved the lamp previously, I had time to catch it or it braced against something and stopped falling).
The most annoying thing? I was going to go out tomorrow and get some brackets to mount a large shelf under the window, one that would have made it impossible for the cat to fall out of the window.
The lamp was a gift too.
I'm going to go cry a bit now.
I had one of those vaguely Victorian lamps by my bed, the sort with the marbleized glass shade and the beaded fringe. It sat on the corner of my desk, which is under a window. An open window with a very narrow (basically non-existent) sill. Something a bit too narrow for a cat to safely bug hunt in.
Yes, the cat knocked over the lamp, not for the first time. Unfortunately it was the first, and last, time it fell off toward the right. Falling to the right allowed the shade to hit the edge of the desk and break, any other direction and the base of the lamp would hit something else (which it what saved the lamp previously, I had time to catch it or it braced against something and stopped falling).
The most annoying thing? I was going to go out tomorrow and get some brackets to mount a large shelf under the window, one that would have made it impossible for the cat to fall out of the window.
The lamp was a gift too.
I'm going to go cry a bit now.
(no subject)
Oct. 31st, 2004 11:33 amJust so people know, I probably won't be on much for the foreseeable future.
While working on my PC's hardware I seem to have killed it. It's a long story but suffice to say that I have primary hard disk failure going on, even after putting the hardware back the way it was before I started working on it. So until I either suck it up and put my hard drives in the other PC (which is notably unstable under w2k), figure out what blatantly obvious mistake I made with my main PC (unlikely at this stage, I think the EIDE interface is just dead), or miraculously find a job or hit the lottery (so I can buy a new machine) I'll be online infrequently from my laptop.
Now I think I'm going to let the overall suckage of my life reduce me to tears yet again.
While working on my PC's hardware I seem to have killed it. It's a long story but suffice to say that I have primary hard disk failure going on, even after putting the hardware back the way it was before I started working on it. So until I either suck it up and put my hard drives in the other PC (which is notably unstable under w2k), figure out what blatantly obvious mistake I made with my main PC (unlikely at this stage, I think the EIDE interface is just dead), or miraculously find a job or hit the lottery (so I can buy a new machine) I'll be online infrequently from my laptop.
Now I think I'm going to let the overall suckage of my life reduce me to tears yet again.
Happy Belated Birthday
Mar. 21st, 2004 12:31 amFriday, the 19th, was my 30th birthday. Dad had surgery that morning and my mother and brother stayed with him afterward until nearly the end of visitors' hours. Not the best birthday on record. The receptionist at work, one of my students, and a total stranger that wandered by and heard them wished me well, as did mom, my brother, and one of his ex-girlfriends.
You know, I've pretty much given up on the birthday thing. My 16th birthday was completely forgotten, and several since then have been barely acknowledged, and I'm tired of reminding people that I've managed to stick around for another year. I guess I feel that if I'm important to someone they'll make the effort to remind themselves of it.
You know, I've pretty much given up on the birthday thing. My 16th birthday was completely forgotten, and several since then have been barely acknowledged, and I'm tired of reminding people that I've managed to stick around for another year. I guess I feel that if I'm important to someone they'll make the effort to remind themselves of it.
