The Shadows on My Wall Don't Sleep

The first few months of the year are not good ones for me.

About a week into January the whole "oh shit, it's a new year" thing kicks in and I get hit with the realization of everything that I didn't get done the year before. Right about then I get hit with reminders of some reoccurring debts for things that should have made my life better but didn't. That gives me a week before FC to scrabble around and try to get that settled and prepare for the con.

FC itself is fun and makes me be social and talk with people outside of typing words at them, but it's also a bit of an emotional roller coaster as I listen to everything my friends have accomplished and know that I've done diddley squat myself. Even most of them that are bemoaning one thing or another are doing better, or at least as well, as myself.

I come home and get sick for at least a week after the con. This year it was just a cold, tired and congested but not "OMFG SHOOT ME" sick (my first flu shot ever might have helped on that front this year).

Then I lose a week as I try kicking the last of the cold, doing laundry, and who the fuck knows what else. I don't even know what the fuck I did last week. Other than realize I missed a bill that was due the week prior and swear a blue streak as I pay it and get all gut twisty thinking about where I'm going to get the cash for the late fee.

Which brings me to this week, where I finally realize I'm in another "deeper depressive" phase (since, as far as I can tell, I'm always depressed, I just fake it better at other times) and haul on the metaphorical bootstraps and force myself to get moving on things that need to be done.

So I cleared the snow off the Jeep yesterday and hoped for no snow overnight. Today, after hauling on those bootstraps far too hard for far too long, I managed to get the cans together for the can/bottle return and the plastic bags together for recycling and got them all in the Jeep in preparation for some errands getting done. Not all the errands, not even the ones I should do first, just the ones I know I could get myself to get done today.

So I go to start the Jeep so it can warm up while I scrape the ice off the wind shield... There are no words for the level of frustration and "it fucking figures" feelings I have at the moment. It's a stupid ass thing to be crying over.

The Jeep didn't start. It ran fine before the con but the three weeks since then with the cold weather has sapped that battery again. This happens pretty much every winter. If the battery doesn't revive after I get the Jeep jumped (fighting with the fucking security feature included) I should be able to get it replaced on warranty, again. Assuming I can remember where I put the receipt.

That was just the last straw. The icing on the cake of suck. I don't want to fucking deal with anything else today, but I have to because the only way that Jeep is going to run before Saturday is if I get hafoc to give it a jump when he gets home (as opposed to getting him to do it on Saturday). If he will with the Mustang, he might not. Otherwise I get to see if I remembered/could afford to renew my AAA membership and see if they can send a truck over to give me a jump tomorrow.

... And he's home and put the car in before I could grab him to ask about a jump. Fuck it.

I had forgotten just how heavy snow is. :P

It was nice and sunny again today (rare in winter here, it's overcast and snowing so often) so I dug the jeep out of the snow. Not only did I clear the snow off it (which I didn't time but probably took an hour or so) but I also shoveled down the snow along the sides and behind it. It's 4-wheel drive so I could just back out over the snow that was there with no problems but it would be nice to delay the formation of the speed bump.

Then, because obviously making my heart race and pound wasn't enough, I grabbed the crow bar and went behind the house to tackle the excessive iciles along the roof edge. The snow was deeper than I thought (though, not by much, I knew it was deep) so even though my boots go to mid calf I still got snow caked on me since it was knee deep. I then spent about half an hour bashing down icicles. Yeah, waving a crow bar over head to smack icicles that rivaled my height in length off the roof. That got the heart rate up too.

Sorry hafoc, I had intended to shovel the mail box out for you since I was out there but I just couldn't do any more after that. :(

I came in all coughing and wheezy on the edge of "oh shit! can't BREATHE!" attack and managed to get out of the snow gear and flop on the bed to catch my breath. Shadow kitty didn't help with that since "human on bed" means "pet the kitty!" to her.

But I survived! The lungs feel a bit rough and raw and breathing too deeply triggers a cough but it will sort itself out after I rest a bit more.

I need to figure out some form of exercise that is possible to do in the middle of a Michigan winter, is free, and fun enough I will actually DO IT. Not taking much space would also be a good idea, what with my clutter tendencies in my room and the remodeling debris in the living room.

... where it takes a full week to process a fax.

But hey, I actually got to talk to a PERSON this time, how the fuck did that happen?

There's a huge moth outside, it was beating itself against the window so hard I thought it had to be the last of the June beetles, of maybe a squirrel in the attic digging around.

I estimate it to have a 6" wingspan. Cream and brown, coppery eyes, wide antennae (maybe a 1/4"). Fat fuzzy body about the size of my little finger, and furry legs. It's sort of pretty.

You all know that if it were inside the window I'd be having a freak-out and be whimpering locked in the bathroom or something. Bugs and I don't get along, and the thought of that monster near my head? I'd be waking hafoc with my flailing about I'm sure.

But it's safely outside, so I can light it up with the LED flashlight and admire it.

And Shadow can make "let me kill it" sounds.

[Edit: Downgraded to 4.5-5", photographed.]



Photo taken from inside a lighted room holding a white LED flashlight in my left hand aimed off center to avoid glare as much as possible and operating a somewhat unfamiliar digicam with my right. If anyone can identify the beast from the underside of the wing I'll be very impressed. The best I've managed is thinking it might be a female Imperial Moth.

[Edit again: Well it started beating itself on the window again and I think I saw fairly large eye spots on the rear wings. Since sites generally don't have pictures of the underside of wings this is a bit difficult to identify. But it could be a Polyphemus moth, it's so hard to tell in the middle of the night when it's trying to beat its way through a window into a lighted room. I can say that it's big, basically cream and brown on the underside and a bit rusty, very fuzzy, with big wide wings shaped in typical butterfly style with no swallow tail or scalloping. Not much to go on.]

[Edit again, again: hafoc found a better moth identification site, Mothra was definitely a Polyphemus.]

So I went out and did some errands today. I got my hair cut, it's back to an above the collar/chin length bob. While the cut itself isn't really "cute" it seems to be making me look cute. This is a profoundly strange thing to me.

After getting the hair cut I wandered over to Payless, no real reason to but I wanted to see if I could find some decent, cheap, slip-on shoes for traveling. Being able to get your shoes off/on quickly is a bonus when traveling by air these days. They had one pair of shoes like the ones I wore for about 5 years (before the soles gave out) and they fit! Turns out that Rugged Outback (the brand of the pair I wore to death) changed their name to State Street. Guess the brand of the new pair. :)

I also chatted with the woman working there about the hassles of finding larger shoes, which lead to transvestites, Trash (an "alternative" shop on Main Street), the surprising weirdness in Gaylord, piercings, and hair dye. It was fun. :)

Then I figured I'd check Fashion Bug for jeans. Despite the number of larger women I see around town there's not a lot of larger size clothing. Walmart, last I checked, topped out at 26, Kmart had a few 28s, so it was Fashion Bug or Dress Barn and I never have luck at Dress Barn. Fashion Bug tops out at 28. I figured, what the hell, I'll try some of the 28s. The last pair I tried on (at Kmart) I could button so maybe I'd get lucky and one of the stretch designs would work. I didn't expect it to work, and for the two pairs I tried on first it didn't, in fact I'm pretty sure those brands have to run small. When you find yourself trying to suck in your butt you know it's a lost cause. But the last pair...

OMFG. They make my ass look good.

They're some variant of low rise but not dramatically, they're some variant of bootcut bordering on bell bottom... but they make my ass look good.

They're designed for someone with less belly and fewer years than myself but... they make my ass look good.

So I bought them.

Awesome studded belt (that actually fits) included as an extra bonus.

So I'm feeling very broke now (even compared to my normal very broke feeling) but at least my ass looks good. :)

The one time you manage to get the bathroom entirely to yourself, leaving cats out in the hall, is of course going to be the time when something makes a weird sound in the heat duct. The one time that something jiggles the register right by your foot as you're sitting on the toilet. The one time when you'd actually like to have the cat in the bathroom with you.

Now, I admit, I never really got over being nervous in the dark. Granted, a well lit bathroom would not classify as dark, but it is most certainly a dark night, and only a few lights are on in the house.

And I had just been watching an anime full of really ugly vampires. And I've had some weird-ass creepy experiences.

So there are few more lights on in the house.

And cats in the room with me. Through they're after my turkey based snack and not things in the ductwork.

I had a few moments of sheer panic today. I wasn't feeling too well (am still not feeling wonderful) so I took a nap. When I woke up my glasses were missing.

Without my glasses I'm not legal to drive. Now for a lot of people the response is "well I know where I'm going so I don't have to read signs" but that's not the case for me. Without my glasses any car, pickup truck, or SUV that is nearly the color of the pavement blends into the pavement until they're just a handful of car lengths away. I can spot the bigger vehicles further away than the cars, but something like a Honda Civic is basically invisible until far too close for comfort.

Unfortunately, and especially with my current completely rimless glasses, I also can't see my glasses unless they either 1) shine in the light, 2) contrast greatly with the surface they are on, or 3) are within two feet of my face. I once "lost" them on the vanity top at athelind and quelonzia's when I took them off to blow dry my hair. Sitting on a very well lit white surface in the shadow of a dragon sculpture made me have to use the "get within two feet" approach to find them.

I'm sure the cats found it funny to watch me very carefully get off the bed and down on my knees so that I could feel my way through the shadows between the desk and the bed and find my glasses by touch alone.

I don't think I've ever been this envious of my brother having his eyes zapped (lasik) before. :P